Let’s say your new spouse has been married before–and their ex dislikes you. All you want is
a peaceful existence with your new family, but their ex does whatever they can to make your
life more difficult. How do you handle that situation?
When one or both spouses are married for the second time, it’s not unusual for an ex to be in
the picture. That’s especially true if you’re co-parenting children. If your spouse has children
with their ex, then naturally, you’ll have to interact with the ex on some level.
However, sometimes, an ex-spouse can make your life more difficult than it needs to be. (This
can also be true for extended family members, if not ex spouses!) You might not have any
control over whether you have to interact with this person from time to time. But, it’s
possible to establish some clear boundaries to preserve your peace.
WHEN DISTANCE ISN’T AN OPTION
Your spouse loves you. But, just like in any marriage, they might have brought people with
them that don’t feel the same way about you. If they have an ex-spouse or someone on their
side of the family that doesn’t particularly like you, this can feel unnerving.
Unfortunately, some relationships demand that you spend time with people who may not
care for you. Raising stepchildren with your spouse necessitates interacting with their other
parent from time to time. Being in a family with some difficult individuals means you’ll have
to see them at the occasional family function.
The important thing is knowing exactly where you stand with this person and accepting it
for what it is. You can’t make someone like you or treat you differently. However, you can
limit their opportunities to put you in a bad situation.
ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR SPOUSE’S EX (OR AN IN-LAW)
When it’s not an option to create distance between yourself and your spouse’s ex, there are
some healthy boundaries that you can establish. Boundaries can create a greater sense of
safety for yourself and your marriage. So what might that look like?
For example, you may ask that you never be left alone with your spouse’s ex. First,
communicate this expectation to your spouse in a loving way. You could try something like,
“I understand that (name) is the children's (mother/father), but I don’t feel comfortable being
alone with them. You will need to be available during those interactions to ensure they’re as
healthy as possible for everyone involved.”
On the other hand, you could potentially suggest limiting the amount of time you spend
around this person instead. Maybe you can tolerate this person for shorter periods of time. If
that’s the case, have a specific time limit in mind, inform your spouse of the boundary, and
stick to it.
FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND PARENTING
Above all, you and your spouse need to focus on your communication, your trust, and your
parenting. You need to form a united front together. Don’t allow an ex spouse or family
member to triangulate your communication or place a wedge between the two of you.
Provided Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot
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