Having unresolved conflict in your relationships–especially in your marriage–
creates tension that weighs on both you and your spouse. It distracts you
and eventually creates resentment, further breaking down your relationship.
We like to think of this kind of conflict as unfinished business.
Unfinished business involves issues you and your spouse have never been
able to fully work through. If one of you is holding onto old hurts, it’s likely
you’ve never felt like those have had a chance to heal. This can happen for
many reasons, and the longer hard feelings simmer, the more difficult they
will be to resolve. It is crucial to get closure on events and circumstances
that have caused us emotional pain.
UNFINISHED BUSINESS IS UNPRODUCTIVE
Unresolved conflict in your marriage keeps your focus off the present.
Instead, you spend your precious time and energy thinking about things that
happened in the past. Keeping a negative perspective on your marriage will
make it increasingly difficult to feel gratitude and peace in the moment.
Rather than making new memories together, you’re reliving past hurts and
reopening old wounds. Every situation is different. Sometimes, we hold onto
petty disagreements and squabbles that should be easy to let go of. In other
situations, we’re carrying the weight of a major betrayal and trying to
overcome it without closure.
Either way, failing to get closure will ensure you get stuck in the past hurt–
and that prevents you both from moving forward in a meaningful way.
UNFINISHED BUSINESS COMPLICATES NEW CONFLICT
When we have unfinished business in marriage, it’s most likely to emerge
during new conflict. In other words, yesterday’s wounds complicate today’s
problems. Instead of getting down to business and clearing away the issue
you’re facing right now, you suddenly find yourselves entrenched in a fight
from years ago.
You’ve probably heard the term “kitchen-sinking.” This phenomenon
happens when you’re in a disagreement with someone, and they start
bringing up old conflicts you thought had been long resolved. If this sounds
familiar, you definitely have unfinished business to attend to.
HOW TO GET CLOSURE FROM UNFINISHED BUSINESS
The healthiest thing you and your spouse can do is work on resolving and
getting beyond your unfinished business. Your marriage depends on you
making this change. If one or both of you is repeatedly bringing up past
hurts, it’s time to find closure.
Take some time to journal about the issues from the past that are still
bothering you. Make a list if you need to, and work on processing why these
issues still hurt and what you think might help you feel more peace in letting
them go. Journaling first gives you time to decide which issues you can
release on your own, and which you might need to work through with your
spouse.
Once you’ve narrowed down your list to the things you can’t resolve without
your spouse, it’s time to start working together. Consider dealing with one
issue at a time, and seek professional support through Choosing Love Biblical
Counseling if you’re finding them hard to address. This will help you prevent
unnecessary pain and overwhelm.
How you handle conflict, from the everyday to the intense, makes all the
difference to the future of your marriage. Looking for a little support? Check
out this book, I Love You More, helps you turn the hard times in your
marriage into opportunities to show one another more love.
(Brought to you by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott)
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