It has been said that marriage is the combination of two very good forgivers. We
have found this to be true in our own marriage–many times over! And we’ve
observed countless successful relationships that were made up of good forgivers, as
well.
BUT WHAT IS FORGIVENESS, REALLY?
When you’re in such a close relationship with another human being, it’s inevitable
that you’re going to step on each other’s toes. That’s just part of life. The trick is
being able to offer forgiveness to one another in a genuine, meaningful way, so that
when those times come, you’ll be ready to face them head-on.
First, it’s critical to understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is surrendering the
right to retaliate against someone who has hurt you. It is not the relinquishing of
your boundaries and dignity, and it is not a cheap or easy thing to extend.
When you extend forgiveness to your spouse, know what you’re forgiving. Be honest
about how the hurt has been detrimental to your spirit. In the process of forgiveness,
don’t just forgive and forget; forgive, but extend some pointers to your spouse about
how they can better handle your heart with care in the future.
Forgiveness in marriage is a must because:
1. THE ACT OF FORGIVENESS STRENGTHENS OUR LOVE.
Forgiveness is a form of love in action, and we can’t get far in marriage without it.
When you love someone, you’re vulnerable with them, and vice versa. Your spouse
has the power to hurt you more deeply than anyone else in the world because you
value their approval and affirmation more than anyone else’s. Your spouse is also
just as vulnerable to being hurt by you as you are to being hurt by them.
When we forgive one another, we extend sacrificial love. When we are forgiven, we
are humbled and determined to love our spouses better going forward. This cycle
challenges us to love one another more fully, completely, and selflessly. And over the
years, as we continue to practice this dance of forgiveness, our bond grows deeper
and stronger.
2. FORGIVENESS SETS US FREE.
Forgiveness frees us in two ways: first, it releases the offender; second, it releases the
one who was hurt.
Forgiveness benefits the forgiver as much as, if not more than, the person who is
being forgiven. It sets us free from being dragged down by unforgiveness, which
eventually turns into resentment. And when you hold onto resentment, it does no
good for anyone–especially you.
There are going to be times when we need to offer forgiveness to our spouse,
whether they’ve asked for it or not. When you do this, remember that you’re freeing
yourself from a prison of resentment, and graciously offer forgiveness to your
spouse.
3. LESSONS WE LEARN FROM FORGIVING OUR SPOUSE CAN EXTEND BEYOND
THE MARRIAGE.
Forgiving anyone can be difficult–whether it’s a friend, family member, or co-worker.
But when the person you love most in the world has hurt you, the process of
forgiving him or her can be incredibly difficult and painful. Once you’ve practiced
forgiveness in your marriage for a time, you may find it easier to extend forgiveness
to those outside your relationship.
Forgiving one another as husband and wife can also help you to teach your children how to forgive. Modeling healthy forgiveness and allowing them to see their parents
live this out will give them the tools they need to practice forgiveness in their own
relationships as they grow older.
PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE
Being able to forgive one another teaches us to love each other and those around
us in a more godly way, and it helps us to become more sensitive to the effects of
our actions on others. In short, it makes us better husbands, wives, parents, friends,
co-workers, and people.
It’s important to note, once again, that forgiveness is a process. You can intend to
forgive, but you can’t control the steps to forgiveness, or how long it takes to get
there. If the hurt you want to forgive is particularly grievous, it can take a very long
time to complete the process. Whatever it takes, set yourself on a path of forgiveness and trust God to meet you on that path. And give yourself grace and time as you walk it.
Do you and your spouse practice radical forgiveness in your marriage? How has it
affected or transformed your relationship?
Provided by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot
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